My girl Triny is getting put down today at 2.45pm at the vets. She has late stage kidney disease, which she was diagnosed with five weeks ago. The vet then told me could go then but I brought her home and fed her with a shringe and for the first thee weeks she was doing okay, sniffing for food, she even wanted to go outside with the others and she would come to me as usual and give me a meow, her high pitched female meow. But this last week she had gone down hill, she wasn’t washing herself and she was throwing up her food. At the weekend, she peed next to me on the couch and could hardly stand. I had to wait until today to take her to the vet. Last night I brough her to bed and under the blanket and she peed again but we both stayed there until it got to hot for her and she jumped down on the floor. I kept the heating on for her yesterday and all night. Saturday night, I left her in the living room for the first time and she sat next to the heating, which is where she is now. She is skin and bone and can hardly stand, her eyes are sunken in and she no longer meows at me. Despite my feeding her, she has lost even more weight and there’s no coming back. I have been so upset, even more upset than mum in the crying department, perhaps because I was expecting mum and I wasn’t expecting Triny to go. She and her brother have been with me for 14 years and traveled the world and because I am freelance and work from home, we’ve spend so much time together and I have lived on my own for many years and had them as my pals and company. They got me through the loneliness and i was responsible for them. I wasn’t expecting her to go now and it’s hard. I will bury her in the garden, wrapped in something and then I will go for a run. I miss her already because she has not been herself for five weeks. She was always my little girl and I was always her mum. She licked my hair and forehead every day and she churped like a bird, she always wanted to be around me and wanted to lick me and rub her chin on my hand, she always wanted her mummy, every day, she was my girl. She was the boss of the other cats and would smack Orby and Charlie and always get to the food first. Since Triny has been ill, Charlie has gotten fatter. Even with her illness the last few weeks, the other cats were still afraid of her. She was the boss. And she ate first. And she would walk around with her shoulders up to give attitude to Charlie and to tell her who was boss. Orby would chase Triny sometimes and she would scream like a banshy. She would follow him whenever we went to a new home. They were a team. But she was my girl. Everyone thinks Orby is my favorite because he’s so loud and bold and hansome and he is lovely but Triny is my girl, she gave me attention 24/7 and would come running whenever I called her. She was my pal. Whenever I went away for long periods, I would come home and she would cry and cry and make such a fuss and she would then sit with me for there days solid until she was satisfied I wasn’t going anywhere again. She was never like that with anyone else but me, she was my girl. Orby would be okay with another family but Triny only wanted me, her mother, she was my girl. I look at her now, sitting on a cardigan, next to the radiator, she can barely stand and I miss sitting here working on my computer and not having her sit behind me on the chair, licking my hair, purring with content, licking my forehead and my hand, she was my girl. She would sleep on my pillow and sometimes her head would rest on my forehead as she went to sleep, she was my girl. When we went outside, she would come running everytime I called her and she would chirp like a bird. She didn’t like being outside much. I got both of my cats in Chicago and they grew up there, thick as thieves until they were a year old and she didn’t want him near her anymore. We flew to San Francisco and live in Rockridge, where they had a garden and then we drove to Los Angeles and to Hollywood in a small apartment which was too hot for them. We flew to London, then drove to Formby to live with my mum in a large flat where they had lots of room and I wanted them to stay there rather than that small place in Hollywood. They hated mum at first but gradually got to know her. They were more than cats, they looked me in the eye and they talke to me and they were my pals, not my pets, they were Orby and Triny and they were my pals. It won’t be the same without Triny. Orby is here and he is affectionate and loving and funny but I miss my girl, she was my girl. It’s almost 1pm and I need to get ready, get myself presentable to take my girl to the vet and say goodbye. I will be and am a wreck. I love you Triny and miss you Triny. I miss you bossing the other cats around .I remember you smacking Orby so hard in the face that he fell back. She was a ninja and would catch and chase any string or toy mouse put in front of her. Her eyes would go wild and she would go into pounce mode. I knew she had lost weight in March and I mentioned it to the vet, who told me to keep an eye on it. But I was looking after mum, who was also dying. And the fee for blood work was over £200, so she never got checked up until after I buried my mum and I stopped for one second to look at how skinny Triny had become and I took her to the vet. It cost me £250 and it was too late. I don’t feel bad though because even if this was spotted in March, she would have had to eat this special food which she didn’t like and she is a fussy cat, and I would probably have to force her. She was dying anyway and there was no coming back from it. I will get ready. xx But I do feel bad and I do feel guilty and I do miss her.
Today I said goodbye to my friend of 14 years. My beautiful Triny. She was born in Chicago with her brother. She took a plane with me to San Francisco. She drove with me down to Los Angeles, where the sun was brighter and the apartment was smaller. She took a plane to London before driving up to the north west. Here, she bossed everyone around and was by my side, always. Often, I preferred my cats company to humans. She and her brother were my family. She loved, she bossed the other cats around, she chirped like a bird, she licked my hair, she meow, always when she saw me, she traveled the world with me but most of all, she thought of me as her mummy and she wanted to be with me and me only. She was my girl. I am heartbroken. The house is empty without her. Goodbye Triny. I love you and miss you. xxxx 15 October 2018.
Give Me the Key – https://vimeo.com/226967839
Give Me the Key is a performance of psychotic demands and the multitude of emotions caused by Alzheimer’s disease. Originally intended as a live performance, the sequence is part of the accompanied I Have Lost Myself thirty-day film project which shows the everyday rehearsals of the artist process.